It feels as if just yesterday I was standing in awe in front of the stage in Victrola, watching the most beautiful, prim and proper girl in the Upper East Side let all her worries go right in front of my eyes. It seems as if just moments ago, our lips touched for the first time, giving me that wild feeling of butterflies rupturing in my stomach, but I’ll never feel those again. I’ll never kiss her again and worst of all, I’ll never see her be herself again. Tonight, my worst nightmare came true. I lost her. And this time, for good. I could have continued blackmailing her to stay away from Nathaniel, but I was stupid enough to let her go. I was stupid for the first time in my life, not being selfish. But I can’t be selfish when it comes to her. I put her happiness before my own and honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because I care about her and she still has a chance. She still has a chance to be happy, to have everything the way she wants it to be, but I don’t have that and I never did.
Nathaniel will always be the right choice for her in her mind, despite the fact that he slept with her best friend, despite the fact that he’ll never look at her the way she should be looked at, and despite the fact that he’ll never see the true, real her like I have. I know her better than I know myself, but that isn’t going to get me nowhere anymore. I’ll never be able to look at her the same again, and I’ll probably never be able to speak to her again with out bursting at the seams with everything I’ve been holding in, everything I’ve been wanting to tell her since our first night together in the limo, since we started scheming together, since I first met her in kindergarten. I love her, but I’ll never be able to make her happy the way she deserves to be happy, because I’ll never be able to give that to myself. I’m Chuck Bass and happiness will never be on the menu for me.